


Turtles Reaction

by Himrqwerty



Category: Turtles All The Way Down, Turtles All the Way Down - John Green, Vlogbrothers
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, GOD I cried so much, I'm really fucked up, OCD, Sad, i was sober when i wrote it but im no longer so sober, let me be depressed and drunk i deserve it, shhh - Freeform, this is my reaction piece to turtles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 14:52:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12368106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Himrqwerty/pseuds/Himrqwerty
Summary: Turtles All The Way Down was really sad and I have a lot of issues. I wrote my reaction and needed someone (probably not (hopefully not)) to read it





	Turtles Reaction

My mom handed me her signed copy of Turtles All the Way Down and told me that she didn’t cry, which I took to be a sign that I, too, would not cry. My mom is a crier. I am less so.

But I have never cried harder. It wasn’t the ending, but the middle that made me ache and ache and stop reading and cry and sob. 

“I felt like — well, like I deserved it, really. Like Ayala was the thing Daisy had to do to live with me.”

And shit if I haven’t been there before. I’ve been Aza, spiraling in tighter and tighter, wondering and knowing that you are a burden that the people you love cannot bear to be around, can only cope by talking about you behind your back, by hating you. 

That line really stuck with me.

I’ve always felt like I deserved it.

The other day in my philosophy class, we were talking about clones. Let’s say that I clone myself at Time A, resulting in Person A and Person B. One of those people is a clone of me, but it’s still me, isn’t it? It’s a perfect copy of my body and my mind and my me-ness. But the other person is undeniably me as well, right? So if Person A and Person B are the same as me, aren’t they the same as each other? But they can’t be, right? We can’t have two of the same thing at the same time. So to resolve this problem, some philosophers have said that there were two people inside me all along, that I was always Person A and Person B and by cloning myself I let one free.

I have been Aza. In many ways I am still Aza, still tumbling into metaphors I can’t finish or understand. 

I will always be her. There will always be a copy of her inside me, a copy of myself that I will always live with, even when I can’t bear it. 

I think that hurts more than being Aza. I think knowing that growing and moving on without ever getting to really move is worse than never getting better.

I think that living in the bottom of the spiral is better than finally, finally, escaping to the top of the spiral and knowing that part of you will never leave.


End file.
